Adventures in Writing: Writing Realistic Kink
[Originally posted on Sisters in Smut}
Let’s Talk About Writing Realistic Kinky Sex
Hi, I’m Mischa Eliot and I write kinky stories about fictional characters who enjoy being bound in rope or cuffs, spanked, flogged, teased until they beg to come, and more. I’m here to help you create realistic characters for kinky fuckery with the help of the lovely Kayla Lords.
If you read me, then you probably already know all of my kinky stories are straight up fiction. I’ve never been in a kinky relationship. I’ve been tied up once for research by a trusted friend. I’d like to experiment more, but I’m a difficult person in trusting others, especially with being rendered immobile.
Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are my main go-to for kinky fuckery. I listen to other podcasts and read other kink-living writers as well, but seriously, if I have a question, I go to them first. They give me honest feedback and point me in other directions if needed. The best BDSM stories have real-life aspects in them.
I messaged Kayla and asked her the top three issues she has with reading stories that have BDSM in them. And her answers didn’t surprise me one bit. There are so many things that writers forget regarding a kinky lifestyle.
When I asked Kayla about this, I told her to skip dubious/non-consent because that’s obvious. So, let’s get to it, shall we?
Yeah, I will start with consent issues. I get it. You don’t want to be boring and mention contracts, safe words, and all that jazz, right? Why not? They exist in real life, so they should also exist in fiction.
When I wrote Tease, I knew I wanted to include the contract to show how important it was to the characters; I had Mack type up a contract for Piper while she’s bound to his desk.
Piper wasn’t used to the position Mack bound her in. She doesn’t like being patient. And yet, she willingly bore the discomfort to find out what Mack was doing. It turned out to be worth the wait. In real life, we want things. If we want them bad enough, we’ll wait or take action to get them, depending on which choice is appropriate.
When you write about kinky lifestyles, don’t forget, these people live everyday lives, too. They go to work and raise families. Dominants wash dishes and submissives tell people want to do. This is the first thing Kayla mentioned. Authors forget that they live non-kinky lives, too. Kink is one facet of many.
What do you know of the people you work with every single day? The regulars at the coffee shop? People at the check-out counter?
You know they have everyday lives where they go to work, take care of family, and maybe have pets. Now imagine them having kinky sex. You might do this if you find someone attractive, right?
When you think of a dominant personality, what traits come to mind? Strength. Confidence. Commanding. Someone who speaks and things happen, yes? Well, not all Dominants have that personality type.
Dominants are people, too!
They have a range of emotions. Happy and sad, they can become depressed. When portraying a Dominant, try to avoid painting them as a predator. As “wolves”.
Do you want to know what I know about wolves? They’re amazing creatures. They protect their own. Wolves, take care of one another and teach each other. People could learn a lot from a pack of wolves.
I’ve read so many stories with demanding “alpha” males that get angry or mean when their submissive doesn’t do exactly what they want. Perhaps it wasn’t done fast enough. There are stories about the Dominant ignoring their submissive when they make a mistake as punishment. It’s cruel and unusual. If you love someone, you’re supposed to care for them and teach them. Perhaps there will be spanking for punishment, but the silent treatment? No, that’s for trolls online, not your beloved partner.
(Note: However, this could be a punishment of choice by the submissive and written into the contract. I’m just saying, I’ve been neglected enough that for me this as a punishment would be a hard limit.)
Sometimes you gotta turn it off.
Did you know you can have a D/s relationship 24/7 without being constantly “on”? You can! A little will not speak in baby-talk all the time. Some of them don’t do it at all. Do you know how I know? Kayla told me. I believe her.
Dominants will have ‘off’ days. It’s a part of life we forget happens. A good Dom won’t take it out on the submissive when they’re having a bad day. Sure, it happens. We all make mistakes. You might get angry or snap off a remark, but kinksters are human and that means flawed. A good Dom will ask forgiveness if this happens. So will the submissive if they’re the ones having the bad day.
Another thing is that not all masochists need to be beaten to a pulp in order to ‘get a fix’ or hit subspace. Some masochists don’t want beaten at all. You can be masochistic with no need for pain. Perhaps you like chasing the edge of orgasm. Maybe it’s being forced to orgasm. There are so many facets of being a submissive just like being a Dominant. And those people have non-kink in their daily lives. Sadists laugh, even non-evil laughs. John Brownstone has a very warm laugh. (His sadistic laugh brings out my evil laugh.)
When we read erotic romance that has kinky BDSM tropes, there are so many repetitive tropes. There are a range of kinks–choose one and do your research. I stick with my basics and try to toss in some other things now and again to go with them. The internet is at your fingertips. You can research pretty much everything you need to know.
Did you know you can practice kink on yourself? Use a paddle and see how it feels. John Brownstone learned what it felt like to be spanked and flogged, etc. by using his own body. It’s the only way you truly get a feel for what you’ll be doing to another person.
Don’t have a partner? Don’t fret.
You can bind your ankles or legs to feel how the rope hugs your skin. Or perhaps you can spank yourself with your hand or some form of a paddle. Try flogging yourself and see how it works out. There are so many ways to tease and pleasure yourself to influence your stories. Don’t be afraid to give it a whirl, just be careful and know your limits.
And about those tropes–can we please do away with the abusive power-hungry dominants? I tire of seeing submissives bound without being informed and left to cry as they freak out. I’m tired of Doms who force their way into a sub’s home or shower to get what they want. A Dominant that puts a submissive at risk, who doesn’t respect safe words, is just as abusive in the real world as they are in fiction.
Sure, there ARE bad Dominants who are in this lifestyle to find submissives to prey upon, but they don’t belong in fiction with a happily ever after ending. (They don’t belong in real life either and should be put in jail and blackballed from kink-centric locations, too.) I know it sounds boring to use safe words, or to mention them. Is it hard to believe that Dominants aren’t power-hungry all day long? Is it hard to believe that a submissive could be a powerful CEO? (Don’t you remember that guy in the movie Exit to Eden? The one that fawned all over Rosie O’Donnell’s character? HE was a powerful CEO. AND a nice guy!)
We all get roped (punny, yes, I know) into these tropes.
The Dominant must have had some kind of horrible thing happen to them in their past to turn them into this person today. The submissive had to have been abused in some fashion and now this is the only way they know how to cope with everyday life. It needs to stop. There are plenty of people who live kinky lifestyles that were never abused. And there are plenty of people who were abused that are using forms of BDSM in order to take back their own power. It’s a wonderful thing when you can use something that has been shamed for so long to reclaim yourself.
So… why do we keep turning it into abuse? Why do we make it so the only way a Dominant can ‘perform’ is in this one way? There are so many kinks and fetishes and positions we can use to expand not just our own personal knowledge but also our writing.
PS: Not all the kinky research you do on the internet is going to be accurate. Try talking to people in the community. If you’re polite, they’ll be polite, too. Listen to Podcasts of people in the lifestyle. Read what the sex therapists and researchers are saying. And, as always, Be Safe, Sane, and Consensual. (Or if you prefer, RACK.)
