2020 was Supposed to be My Year

I claimed 2020 was going to be my year… I feel like we were both epic failures.

Goodbye 2020, Hey there 2021

Oh 2020… we had so many hopes and they just crashed and burned. Let me get the salt…

Compare and Contrast

Who knew that 2019 would be a great year compared to what everyone has been going through for 2020? I got to do way more last year than I did this year. Sadly, I didn’t get to go to Florida this year, so no Smuttylicious Island time for me. I suppose maybe that’s punishment for getting to go twice last year? Who knows.

I did get to hang out a bit this past summer though. My coworker-friend-group found an outdoor space that was following safety protocols by a local lake about 25 minutes away. Beautiful location, amazing sunsets, great music. There were several Smutathon Smut Slams this year as well. I honestly hope they continue to happen in 2021. Two of those were experienced at the Lake and I’m sure some of our table neighbors got an earful of smut.

I wrote a whopping 14 posts in 2020. Only two of those were fiction. The awkward Climactic Countdown and the devastating Reviving the Orchard.

My top read for this year is Power Outage. Some kinky fuckery and a romantic dinner. What more do we need?

Power Outage was written in 2017 – not surprisingly my biggest year for word and post count thanks to Masturbation Monday run by Kayla Lords (currently on hiatus).

Pandemic Fatigue

When I was told I could work from home in March, I felt blessed. I still do. I have hopes of working from home more often than being in the office in the future when the pandemic recedes. With the way people are handling things, I honestly don’t see that happening soon.

I’ve had so many ideas for stories and haven’t written any of them. Except for Reviving the Orchard, which luckily came together the same day I was going to read it. I’m still not happy with it to be honest. It was meant to be a little longer, firmly planted in the ‘consensual’ column. Instead it’s more on the borderline of ‘is this consensual?’ and I don’t have the energy to revise it.

I’ve tried to write. Like always, I have opened a blank Word document and started typing out the ideas and shaping out the characters. Instead of writing, I end up having a profound sense of nothingness. None of the words I’m writing are pulling emotions from me. The characters are feeling like cardboard cutouts. So I end up saving and closing the document with hope something will shake me out of this funk.

Working from home was supposed to give me even more time for writing, for plotting, for putting together something wonderful. I had plans. I have plans. My whiteboard has story ideas and non-fic ideas on it right now. I’m not giving up. Writing is a passion and, while I do have that passion writhing inside, the words don’t match what’s happening in my mind. So I feel like it’s failed and I have to step away.

I Heart Audiobooks

Audiobooks have always been a favorite. In order to save money, I cancelled my Audible subscription. I’ve been using the Libby App for both reading and audiobooks. I’ve listened to more books than I read to be honest. It’s preferable to listen while washing dishes or cleaning the bathroom. With how much sitting I’ve done this year… it’s been difficult to justify sitting to just read a book.

I highly recommend Angelina M. Lopez. Annette Marie, and Annabel Chase for audio titles.

Adjusting to Apartment Living

I’m so thankful that I am moving next month. The people who yell and slam doors diagonal from me haven’t been arguing as much in the past few months. Unfortunately, they cannot finish a conversation inside their space either. So someone is always hanging in the doorway while they have a loud conversation back and forth.

The person above me constantly paces. And I hear every step they take. I go to bed at 10:30pm more often than not. Sometimes even on weekends. And not 5 minutes later they are fucking pacing right above my head. My advice to anyone living above someone else? Go pace in the hallway where you won’t bother anyone when it’s late at night.

Where I’m going there isn’t anyone above or below. They are all ranch apartments. We’ll share one wall with another person, maybe two if they have more than two units together. I’m honestly hoping that we end up with someone quiet. Yep, I’ll have a roommate. We’re alike in some ways and different in others. I’m sure it’ll go well. We get along and we know how to laugh and we know how to communicate if we aren’t understanding one another.

The other benefit to moving is that we’ll have our own washer and dryer. No more hunting for quarters at the bank. No more waiting for someone to get their load out of the washer or dryer because they didn’t set an alarm.

King Floof

The best thing about 2020 was spending a ton of snuggle time with Peanut. He passed away in the summer. I knew he was going downhill and I did what I could to keep him around longer. Unfortunately, it didn’t go my way. He’s honestly been the best King Floof I could ever ask for and I miss him. I’m grateful that I could be here to handfeed and water him when he couldn’t eat or drink on his own. He passed doing our favorite thing – Netflix and Chill.

ProTip: Don’t offer new pets to someone who has just lost a pet. Like… seriously moments after I posted people were offering me kittens and asking me when I was getting another pet.

What’s to come, 2021?

I’m not making any plans. I will be celebrating a late Christmas with my daughter and son-in-law (late for really good non-covid reasons). And, I’m going to move next month and I’m already packing (because my soon-to-be roommate chided me on not starting yet). I’ll start earnestly next week. Management had to lock the storage locker rooms because (and I am not making this up) people started breaking into other people’s lockers to steal stuff. I have a box of books and a bunch of flattened boxes from moving here so hopefully no one messed with my stuff.

I’m going to keep flipping my beautiful Michael Stokes calendar every month and drooling over the featured hot guy. I’m going to keep writing ideas on my white board in hopes that something gets me out of this funk. A lot of what I’m feeling is so overwhelming that I’ve blocked everything pretty hard. I’m used to being angry, I use it for doing all kinds of positive things. I’m not used to feeling helpless, anxious, worried, and constantly in fear of losing my job.

Unfortunately, the downside to blocking out these emotions means I block out the other emotions and that means writing is not gonna happen until I’m not in a constant fight/flight/freeze/fawn choose your own poison barrage.

I hope that each and every one of you will stick with me through these difficult times. I know we’ve all been here, or are here together (separately) suffering in ways we never thought possible. I’m glad to say goodbye to 2020.

Blessings to you and yours in hopes of a happier, healthier, sustainable future.

Until then… Lowkey Fk 2020 (Lyrics Video) F2020 – Avenue Beat

I think this may have been written for me… but replace music with writing.

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One Comment

  1. I feel you so hard on this. It was gonna be my year too. And then the middle six months I fell apart. And I’m slowly putting the pieces back together, but it’s been rough. Plus all the shit that went down in my writing community. 2021 will be rebuild.

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