Dating Apps are Weird and I’m Often Confused

Dating in the Age of Apps

Dating apps have been around for quite awhile now, but it still seems difficult to meet someone who totally clicks. You are not alone.

Unlike some people, I need more than a week or two before classifying what we have as a Relationship.

Like many workplaces that have a 90-day window to decide if you fit or not, I’m going to wait 90 days to decide you’re someone who might be worthy of partnership.

I also dislike the boyfriend/girlfriend labels. It’s me, not them. It feels middle or high school to me, and I don’t live in a YA novel.

Preferably, if I chose to be in a monogamous relationship with another person, I would call them my partner or significant other.

Your About Me Section is a Fucking Mess

Yes, even if it’s blank, your bio is a fucking mess. You don’t have to write a ton of prose about yourself to get someone interested, but you have to write something useful.

In fact, the longer your bio (and I have seen some that go on forever with ‘wow if you made it this far and haven’t swiped left, we might be made for each other’ thrown in the MIDDLE) the faster someone will swipe left.

Tell Me More To Do List GIF by Disney Channel
Man in a suit unrolling a very long roll of paper. Your Dating App Bio shouldn’t be this long!

Think of The Sims 4 – Create-A-Sim when creating your profile. You can only give them 5 traits. Sometimes it’s damn hard to choose, too. You want to give someone just enough to ask you a question. So put something interesting in it!

I’m currently using two dating apps. On one app I have “Just ask.” On the other, I have about 500 words appropriately spaced and quick to read.

On the full profile, I have “I won’t ask you to kill spiders because spiders are friends.” in mine. It caused someone to message me saying “I won’t kill spiders, I’ll put them outside.” We dated for a short period. It was such a good time. I waffled on returning the like because of the age difference.

My advice? Don’t Waffle.

I’m doing my best to embrace my inner Jean Milburn (played by Gillian Anderson in Sex Education) and not worry about age, but it’s difficult. I have been told I don’t look my age. Most of the women in my family don’t, it’s a blessing.

Give your bio something interesting that makes someone want to ask you a question. That’s how you get those right-swipes.

Why Would You Upload THAT Photo?

And please, PLEASE, take a moment to research how to use your phone’s camera. All cameras come with a delay timer. If a friend isn’t available to help you out, utilize the features available to you. If your phone camera app doesn’t (for whatever the reason) come with a delay timer, SnapChat does. There are also filters that can help fix the lighting as well.

I see so many photos that are turned sideways. I get it. Sometimes my phone will turn a photo and I have no idea why. Then, I have to edit it, rotate it, and save it. It’s stupid. But please, tap the edit and rotate buttons before you upload.

I’ve seen a blurry photo as the first photo, and then an ear and the roof of the car in the second photo. They didn’t bother to upload any other photos. How’s that working for you?

You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, perfectly imperfect is excellent, too. Just stop with the blurry photos. I know you’re doing it on purpose, and so does every other person who swipes left.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask a Friend for Help

Ask a friend for help with taking a photo or three. It’s not that hard. Don’t be embarrassed about using an app. I know plenty of people who have met using dating apps. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried it myself.

If you’re not sure of your good traits, think about the hobbies you enjoy. Where is your happy place? Talk about that in your bio. Or your favorite show. I purposely put “Driver picks the music, shot gun shuts their cake hole.” in my profile for reasons.

I chat with someone on one app (the one with the full bio) about Supernatural and other tv shows, general happenings in life. Will we ever meet? Probably not, but that’s also okay. I can make friends on an app. I mean, look at me on Twitter. Before that, I made friends on AOL.

Stop Complaining About Fakes and Do the Work

Every time I come across someone who is complaining about the app being a waste of time, and how all the people they’ve met were fakes or some other negative comments, it’s an instant left swipe. Sorry you didn’t meet the love of your life eternal on the app…

I know others who have whined that ‘all women want to do is talk for weeks or months and never meet.’ Uh, it’s called getting to know you. If you put in the work via text or (if you’re worthy of a phone number) phone calls, many of us will be interested in meeting up.

But if you’re not going to take at least a few days to get to know someone before meeting up, don’t complain that all the women are fake. While I’m not looking for the last love of my life (Dean Winchester is fictional, therefore he does not exist) I am looking for someone who can be in the same mindset as me.

I want someone who will enjoy hanging out, making or getting dinner, doing fun things, and also be capable of giving me space when I need downtime.

Stop Taking it So Seriously

Seriously. If you decide that this person is your ‘one true love’ with every person you meet, then yeah you’re going to get a bit jaded when it comes to dating and meeting people. This also happens when you meet people organically in the wild wonderful world.

Take the time to get to know someone. Unless you’re both looking for a quick night of hot sex, it’s important to enjoy each other’s company with your clothes on. Do some fun things. Make dinner together. Go greenhouse hopping. Talk about music and games and tell each other funny family stories.

Don’t be Afraid of the Report/Block Feature

You’re going to run into people who are… uh… dealing with some issues, I’m sure. I swiped-right on someone with a succinct bio and good photos. They matched me the next morning. We chatted about places we’ve lived, and why we moved back to Ohio.

And the next thing I know, a perfectly get to know you conversation turned weird. At first, I thought perhaps they meant to message someone else. But they kept asking if I was fucking with them, asked me if I knew what cyber bullying was, and basically ignored my answers when I tried to figure out what was going on.

After they told me they work for the government and they think these apps are some kind of deranged experiment, I told them “I think you’re dealing with some emotional and/or mental issues and should seek out a therapist to help you.” and then I Blocked/Unmatched them.

Just like other forms of social media, you need to protect yourself on dating apps. Don’t give out your personal information until you’re ready. And even then, keep your eyes and ears open for those red flags.

Final Thoughts

If one dating app isn’t working for you, don’t be afraid to try another one. Sometimes you’ll see the same people on other dating apps, sometimes you won’t – but you’re not required to pick just one.

You have the internet at your fingertips. Check out YouTube for tips on taking great selfies and group photos. Use that delay feature. Remember to shift your photo when you upload it because the app is going to crop it weirdly if you don’t take the time for the quick fix.

P.S.: Smile. At least a little. I know, it’s awkward. But if you look like you’re angry or ready to bite my head off in, then byeeeee.

If you’d like to see my thoughts about Dating Profiles, check out #DatingProfileShenanigans on Twitter.

P.S. I Googled For You

If you’re looking for an article to help you write that bio, look no further than this one by Men’s Health.

Also, dug up this intriguing video that has some interesting tips on photos for Men. Guys, you don’t have to be the tallest or hottest, you just have to be capable of taking a good photo and putting your best foot forward.

Tinder Profile Tips For Men – Photos That Get More Matches: WingmanPlus

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  1. Damn good article that covers all the bases. “Hey”, “Hi”, etc. get you ignored or blocked. There are no participation awards here! Write like you have some intelligence & communication skills, because it starts & proceeds from the mind.

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